


Ballroom Blitz

by HoodEx



Category: Batman (Comics), Batman - All Media Types, DCU
Genre: Alfred wants a batfamily photo, Family Shenanigans, Gen, Minor Swearing, Theme: Autumn, batfamcontentwar, halloweencontentwar
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-10-25
Updated: 2017-10-25
Packaged: 2019-01-22 22:41:20
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,326
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/12492428
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/HoodEx/pseuds/HoodEx
Summary: Alfred decides he wants multiple new portraits of the family and of their "work associates" to hang in the manor. He has the camera set up, the outfits ready, and food waiting to be eaten. Now all he needs is for everyone to show up on time.





	Ballroom Blitz

Alfred likes to think that he’s grown to be quite adaptable throughout the years. It’s almost impossible not to be when one night he’s driving Master Bruce to a high society gala, and the next night, he’s pulling on sterilized gloves and trying to dislodge a bullet from Master Richard’s arm. So yes, if one were to ask Alfred whether he could thrive in a constantly changing environment, he would be prepared to list off every instance in the past where he was required to do just that. However, just because he can adapt to most situations, doesn’t mean he prefers spontaneity over precise habit. His daily duties around the manor are all old habits that he’s rarely ever broken. The steps he takes to prepare a party or a function at the manor are also ingrained in him to the point where he could perform them in his sleep. That being said, while he can work without a schedule set in stone, he much rather prefers for events to be performed in a routine manner. Unfortunately for him, today is not one of those days.

A month ago, Alfred had been observing the walls while he was dusting and took note that some new photographs needed to be added amongst the multitude of older ones that still hung proudly in place. A few times he had noticed Master Duke skimming the pictures as he walked along, or he’d catch Master Jason sneaking a look at his younger self posing with both Master Bruce and Alfred himself. It was also a shame that Miss Cassandra was in little, if any, of the photos that had been taken in the past few years. Alfred thought he would rectify the situation by taking new photos at some point in the autumn season, but instead of just having a family portrait done, he decided to invite a few other members of the vigilante fold to join in, much to Master Bruce’s reluctance.

The only problem with extending invites, especially to a group of individuals who are busy 24/7, is trying to make sure they can all come as well as arrive at a proper time. The being on time bit is definitely what’s going to throw a stone in Alfred’s carefully planned schedule.

When it comes to be Wednesday, the designated picture taking day, it’s nearly a quarter to five in the afternoon, and only Master Timothy, Master Duke, and Miss Kate have shown up. He knows he shouldn’t be surprised, but that doesn’t mean he can’t be a bit miffed.

Master Bruce had an impromptu matter to take care of at the Watchtower. He promised he would be back and ready to go by 5:00, but Alfred isn’t holding him to it. Master Richard has been in Hong Kong for the past week, and he was due to arrive in Gotham early this morning, but there’s been a delay in his schedule of some sort. Alfred has no idea where Master Jason is. He received a vague voicemail from him a few hours prior that sounded like he would be here at four, if not a few minutes past that. Master Damian is out with Master Kent’s son, although, he confirmed he’s on his way home and will arrive shortly. Meanwhile, Miss Barbara, Miss Cassandra, Miss Stephanie, and Miss Harper are all getting their hair and makeup done at a salon. Miss Barbara messaged him that they were nearly done and would be on their way. Thankfully Alfred prepared ahead of time and has their outfits, along with everyone else’s, waiting for them at the manor.

As of right now, he’s adjusting the cameras in the backyard and making sure he has them on the correct settings. He would have hired a professional photographer for the task if not for the fact that he did not want to have one waiting around for an indefinite amount of time. In any case, the self timer feature will be suitable for a large group picture, and he or Master Timothy can manage individual and smaller group photos on their own.

“Hey, Alfred, I took the pumpkin seeds out of the oven. What else do you need me to do? ”

Alfred glances over his shoulder and sees Miss Kane leaning out of the doorway. The white cashmere sweater she had on earlier is settled in the crook of her elbow and there’s a martini glass in her other hand.

“Thank you, Miss Kane. If you would try to get ahold of Master Richard, that would be helpful.”

“Sure thing,” she says. “I’ll make sure to kick his ass for the lack of communication.” She smirks and raises her glass before disappearing back inside.

Alfred follows her footsteps not too long after. The scent of cinnamon hits his nose pleasantly as well as the distinct smell of baked pumpkin. He opens the oven and checks on the progress of the apple and pumpkin pie. Both look just about done. To be sure, he takes a toothpick and sticks it inside both of them. When he pulls it out, there is only the slightest bit of undercooked batter on the end of it. Master Duke appears in the kitchen and stops beside him to inspect the toothpick as well.

His forehead creases and he cocks his head to the side. “What are you doing?”

Alfred tosses the toothpick in the trash. “Sticking a toothpick in a dessert can help determine whether or not the inside still needs more time to cook,” he explains.

“Oh.” Almost as an afterthought Master Duke says, “Cool.”

“Indeed.”

Master Duke leans against the cabinets and watches quietly while Alfred pulls out his cutting board and knife. From the corner of his eye, Alfred can see him frowning and pulling at a loose string on his dark green sweater.

“So, like, why are you making so many desserts? Do you always make fifty hundred pies whenever the whole family is over?”

Alfred looks down to hide his small grin. “Normally I bake fifty-one hundred pies. Today’s been rather busy for me, you’ll have to excuse the lack of hustle,” he says.

“Did you just—” Master Duke snorts. “Never mind.” He walks over to the oven and turns on the oven light. “Can I take these out? They look done.”

Alfred motions to the case of toothpicks sitting on the counter. “Test them to make sure. I don’t want to be one pie short _and_ have two undercooked pies.”

There’s the sound of cursing as Master Duke tries to shake a toothpick out of the container. He ends up dropping it on the floor and then manages to drop two more. Luckily, Alfred will be able to replace them with the money Master Duke will be contributing to the swear jar.

The cinnamon and pumpkin scent magnify as soon as Master Duke plucks the pies from the oven and places them on the cooling racks. It make Alfred’s stomach give off a small rumble.

“Thank you for the help, Master Duke. Would you do me another favor and try to see where Master Jason is? I’d like to know how close he is to arriving.”

Master Duke, who looks like he had been about to poke the crust of the apple pie, takes out his phone from his back pocket.

“I’m on it.” He disappears into the den, phone already tucked to his ear.

It’s then that he hears the front door open. Multiple pairs of feet can be heard clacking against the marble foyer as well as a chorus of giggles. The girls have made it back from their trip to the salon then.

Miss Cassandra comes into the kitchen moments later. Her hair, which is normally straight, has been styled to have soft waves. Her face also looks like it has a light, sophisticated amount of makeup on it, which accentuates her already delicate features.

“You are looking quite beautiful this afternoon, Miss Cassandra. How did you like the salon?” He’s curious since it was her first time going to one. He was surprised when Miss Barbara suggested the excursion in the first place and all the girls agreed to it. Of course, mentioning that it would be paid for on Master Bruce’s account probably helped cement the decision.

“Thank you,” she says, mouth briefly lifting into a half smile. “It was fun. I had an itch on my face when they put on the,” she motions to her neck and torso.

“Oh, when they put on the hairdressing gown? That used to always happen to me when I had hair to cut,” he jokes.

Her eyes light up. “Yes, hairdressing gown. I got a small trim.”

“I can tell. I think it suites you quite well,” he says. She mouths a quiet thank you, her attention seeming to be drawn to the pies that are still sitting out. “Those just came out of the oven. I’m saving them for dinner. If you’re hungry, I can put some of this fruit in a bowl for you to eat.”

She shakes her head. “No thank you.” Her eyes are suddenly trained on his hands and he belatedly realizes that he started fiddling with an apple slice. “What’s wrong? You look stressed.”

Alfred puts the apple down and gives her shoulder a reassuring squeeze. “Only because I’m worried about the others getting here soon. If we wait too long, it will be too dark outside for a good picture.”

“Who’s missing?”

“Now it’s just Master Bruce, Master Dick, Master Damian, and Master Jason.”

“Jason is here,” she says. “He pulled in when we were getting out of the car.”

Sure enough, the front door is thrown open once again. The heavy boots Master Jason wears clack loudly against the floor and there’s the distinct sound of his hand skimming along the walls. He doesn’t come into the kitchen though. His footsteps go past the doorway and can be heard pounding up the staircase, presumably so he can go put his outfit on.

“Just three then,” Miss Cassandra says. “I will get dressed and call them afterwards.”

“That would be helpful, thank you. While you are upstairs, tell Miss Stephanie I switched out her beige sweater with a maroon one. She somehow forgot to mention to me that she spilled mustard down the front of it.”

Miss Cassandra hides her grin behind her hand. “She was hoping you wouldn’t notice.”

“I suggest next time she try harder to cover up the evidence,” he says, brow raised.

She nods in agreement and then soundlessly heads upstairs.

Without any more distractions, Alfred manages to wrap and store the pies and fruit. He’s just cleaning off his cutting board when he hears an all too familiar set of keys jingling together as they’re placed on a hook in the foyer. Some of his worry instantly evaporates and he finds himself heading out of the kitchen to greet Master Richard.

“Master Richard,” he calls, seeing the young man in question shrugging off his leather jacket. “It’s good to see you. I was beginning to worry your plane had—” he swallows his words as soon as he sees the bruised swelling around Master Richard’s left eye. “My word, have you iced that yet, sir?”

Master Richard tries to smile, but it quickly turns into a grimace when his skin pulls on the abrasion. “Hey Alfie.” He gives Alfred a quick one armed hug, which Alfred allows. Its been awhile since he’s seen the boy and he’s missed him quite a bit. “I iced it a little on the plane, but I ended up falling asleep through most of the flight.” He easily follows Alfred back into the kitchen and takes a seat while Alfred prepares an ice bag for him.

“The fact that you got some much needed rest is far more surprising to me than the bruised eye,” Alfred jokes.

Master Richard takes the ice from him and gently presses it to his eye. “I guess I’m going to need some makeup to hide this for the picture.”

“You can fetch your makeup bag from the cave. I just reordered new supplies for you the other week.”

“Thanks, I completely forgot I needed to restock.” He grabs a paper towel from the counter and wraps it around the ice bag. “Is everyone else upstairs already?”

Alfred sighs. “Everyone except Master Bruce and Master Damian.” He walks with Master Richard to the cave entrance before saying, “Why don’t you let Miss Barbara apply it for you and then go help Master Timothy. He’s been fretting over his hair all afternoon and could use your help.”

Master Richard’s good eye widens in understanding. “Oh right, some of his hair got burned off the other night. It’s not too bad, is it? He wouldn’t send me a picture of it.”

“No,” Alfred says, “it’s not as terrible as he makes it seem. It can be hidden if styled correctly.”

“Alright, I’ll give him a hand and make sure everyone else is ready to go.”

Alfred grabs him by the shoulder before he descends into the cave. “Master Jason is already upstairs. Please don’t start anything with him.”

Master Richard grins, eyelashes blinking in fake innocence. “Who me? I’d never.” After seeing the tight lipped look Alfred gives him, he drops the act. “Don’t worry, I’ll be nice.” The clock shuts with a soft “clink” behind him.

Feeling slightly better now that Master Richard is accounted for, Alfred allows himself to think that things will go smoothly from here. However, knowing this family, he should have known that was simply too much to ask for.

Sure enough, within the span of twenty minutes, things start to spiral out of control. Alfred can barely keep up with all that happens. All he knows is that Alfred the cat vomited on Miss Stephanie’s maroon sweater, and Miss Kate suddenly got a migraine and is currently laying down in a dark room to fight it off. Master Damian came home in-between these instances and accidentally messed up the progress that Master Richard had made on Master Timothy’s hair. Now Master Timothy is upset and Master Damian is biting off everyone’s head because Master Richard is ignoring him to try and reign in his temper.

It’s bad enough to the point where Alfred fixes himself a cup of tea and heads outside to sit in the screened in porch where he can listen to calming classical tunes on his turntable. The only downside to sitting out here is watching the light slowly leave the sky.

He’s not sure how much time passes where he sits there, staring at the red and yellow leaves, as well as taking note of the dead ones that need to be raked into piles. He thinks he can somehow convince Master Richard to make a game out of it and compete with Master Damian to see who can accumulate the larger pile. That would help him cross off one chore on his list of things to do.

Lost in thought, he startles when a large hand lands on his shoulder. Without turning around, he already knows its the last person they had been waiting for. After all, no one else masks their footsteps in their own home quite like Master Bruce does. Well, except for Miss Cassandra. But she typically has the decency to drag her feet a little when she approaches him, so as to not scare him.

“The problem was more volatile than we originally believed and I lost track of time,” Master Bruce explains. Alfred can read between the lines and hear the unsaid “sorry” in his tone. “Everyone inside is dressed and ready to go. Just tell us where you want us.”

Alfred tries to not look surprised at the news, but he’s secretly pleased that Master Bruce was able to take over the reigns from him. He gathers his cup of tea and looks back at the sky. While it isn’t the most ideal lighting for photographs, he thinks it will be alright if he leaves the flash on.

“Tell everyone to come outside and to line up by height. Tallest in the back and shortest in the front.”

“I better make sure Damian doesn’t drag a stool outside then,” Master Bruce says.

“Yes, a stool would look quite ridiculous.”

The corner of Master Bruce’s mouth twitches. He goes back inside.

Alfred makes his way down to the camera and resets the settings in order to accommodate the lack of light. By the time he has it where he wants it, everyone is moving into their designated spots. It goes smoothly except for the minor scuffle between Master Richard and Master Jason.

“The size of your ego does not make up for what you lack in height, Dick-face. Get behind me.”

“Hey Alfie, can we change the order from oldest to youngest? I think the photo would look way better like that,” Master Richard says, throwing an elbow into Master Jason’s side.

Master Jason retaliates by stepping on his foot. “That wouldn’t change the fact that I’m still taller than you, shrimp.”

“Grayson is of a respectable height, Todd,” Master Damian intercedes.

Master Jason scowls. “Hey, shrimp number two, did I ask for your opinion?”

Master Jason’s mouth is suddenly covered by Miss Kane’s hand.

“You three had better shut up before my heel finds its way up your asses,” Miss Kate states loudly over them. She flinches a moment later and presses a hand to her temple. “No offense, but can we get this show on the road. I can feel my migraine starting to come back.”

“She’s right,” Master Bruce states, “we’re losing daylight.”

Master Richard begrudgingly falls in line behind Master Jason.

Alfred looks through the viewfinder on the camera to make sure everyone is in frame. While looking through it, he notices the new top Miss Stephanie is wearing. It’s a black sweater that seems to belong to Miss Cassandra. Going down the line, he also notices Master Tim’s hair, which looks perfectly styled. With it gelled, there’s no indication of its previous state. Master Richard did a great job on it. Likewise, Miss Barbara did an excellent job covering up Master Richard’s eye with makeup. It doesn’t look completely natural, but it certainly looks much better.

“Miss Harper if you would turn inwards a little more… and Master Duke turn your shoulders outwards… that’s good.” He turns on the flash. “Master Bruce and Master Jason, leave space in-between you so I can fit in. I’m going to set off a timer on the camera. Once the timer goes off, the camera is going to take a multitude of pictures. Please remain smiling and do not make any funny faces,” he says, directing the last bit towards Miss Stephanie and Miss Harper.

“Can the girls take a separate picture afterwards?” Miss Stephanie asks. “I could use some new fridge decorations.”

“Or you could put them in a picture frame like the rest of us,” Miss Barbara says.

Miss Cassandra places a hand on Miss Stephanie’s shoulder. “Hush. We need to take the big group picture first.”

Alfred silently thanks her. He takes one last look at the camera and is pleased with the settings and with how everyone is framed. He sets the timer for ten seconds. “Prepare yourselves. I’m hitting the timer in 3… 2… 1.” As soon as he hits the button, he walks briskly to his spot between Master Bruce and Master Jason.

“Everyone say cheese in their best Batman impersonation,” Master Richard shouts.

As soon as the light on the camera starts blinking faster, everyone besides himself and Master Bruce shouts “cheese” in the gravelly tone Master Bruce uses for Batman.

Alfred thinks the laughter that follows puts a natural smile on each of their faces. He knows it’ll make a great picture.

**Author's Note:**

> I apologize if this is choppy, I wrote it in a short amount of time and did not have much time to edit it. I hope Alfred, Kate, Duke, and Cass's characterizations are okay. I really don't know a ton about Kate and Duke in particular, so sorry if they seem OOC. 
> 
> If you want to check out my Tumblr you can find me here: https://hood-ex.tumblr.com


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